Dear Tika...

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Dear Tika,

I am a long time reader, first time writer-inner. My problem is a serious one. I am confused by my mistress and her mixed messages. She insists on buying chew toys shaped like flip-flops, shoes, video game controllers, and the like. Those are mighty fun to chew but my vision is as you might guess, limited in colors and details. I will often times mistake her flips flops and game controllers for my chew toys. She gets very mad at me. How can I stop chewing her things?

Sincerely,
Mixed-up Masticator

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Which set of flip-flops are the chew toys and which flops will get you whack on the nose?

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Dear Mixed-up Masticator,

Alas, your problem is that you are not the one with the problem. Your mistress is making a common human mistake of confusing you for a human child with advanced retinas and reasoning abilities. My advice to you may sound impossibly difficult at first but I know if you try hard enough, you can accomplish it. First, drag out all of the objects in question, regardless of whether or not you can differentiate between the chew toys and human toys. Place them in a pile in the center of the living room, preferably near the front door. Sort through these objects and match up the ones that look and smell similar - game controllers with the chew toy controllers, flips with the flops, et cetera. See to it that each object has been significantly chewed up but make sure you don't mix up the sorted piles as you chew through them.

When your mistress is halfway down the block from your home, settle down and sit gingerly near the piles - paws forward, head tilted to the side, tongue hanging out, and tail wagging. Now just to warn you, the mistress will demonstrate some vigorous barking and growling at first. However, once she looks at the sorted piles of masticated messes, she will realize the stupidity of her chew-toy purchases. Soon, you will notice those cutesy objects disappear and delicious pork-skin based chew products appear in their place. And heaven help you if you ever confuse a BBQ hide twist with a PSP.

Clearly yours,
Tika

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Tika Waylan is a purebred Irish Terrier certified in Canine Psychology by the AKC. Her extensive experience as both a puppy and a dog spans two years which translates to fourteen human years, thereby giving her the omniscient knowledge of an above average human teenager. Tika enjoys a good pig's ear now and then as well as a vigorous romp through fresh mud on a warm summer morning. Readers are encouraged to submit questions and suggestions to her via tika@karmabox.com.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of Tika's owners or KarmaBox Design Company. The information presented on this website is for personal and entertainment use only.

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

I hope that all the Dads, Step-dads, Granddads, Uncles, Big Brothers, and other male role models out there have a wonderful Father's Day!


You make the world go 'round for the kids in your lives. You shape their dreams and futures in ways you'll never be able to imagine, just by being there for them. Pat yourselves on the back - you are much appreciated!!

Love and blessings,
+ann
(A Grateful Mom)

Ook?

Summer vacation is not only in T-minus 1.5 days and counting… it’s also an oxymoronic term for stay-at-home & work-at-home mommies and daddies across the country. On the plus side, I can sleep in an extra hour and I won’t have to do those awful “get ready for school” and “do your frakkin’ homework” breakdances. On the other hand… my kids will be home

all

day

and

night.

I know I said this at the beginning of last summer break but this time I mean it… I’m ready. No really, I am ready. I was obviously never a Boy Scout but I have taken the Be Prepared motto to heart. Have a looksie:

* I have devised a balanced schedule full of fun outings, chores, educational activities, and free-play (aka leave-me-the-hell-alone) time. It’s flexible with minimal financial strain, and full of Plan B’s (with a few Plan C-Z’s in my back pocket for good measure).

* I have turned most of my various business responsibilities into portable “kits” that I can take to the park, library, and swimming pool so that the kids can play while I continue to make $$.

* I have stocked up on healthy snacks, treats, and easy to make meals so that they can raid the pantry and fridge whenever their growling tummies demand it. One meal usually turns into the next at our house. This plan will hopefully keep me from spending my days slaving away in the kitchen. And they get to learn self-sufficiency. On a side note, my boys are finding it upsetting that I won’t let them touch the “summer food” until school is out…

* Toys, video games, and movies will be spread over 3 sections across our home to cut down on the number of violent monkey fights. Fights will be inevitable, I just want to minimize the frequency and bloodshed. I’ve even put away a big chunk of the toys and games so that they can be cycled throughout the summer… evil but necessary. Hey, I used to do this in my old daycare - it makes their toys more interesting and what was old becomes new again.

* I have them signed up for various church activities and day camps as well as local community events. Let some poor teenage volunteer wrangle them for a while… I think this plan may even help reduce the number of teen pregnancies in our area. Doing good for the world, that’s me!

And the best thing planned this summer break which will preserve my sanity and that of my heirs?

They will be spending a month with their Dad in Austin!! w00t! It will be just the guys, doing whatever it is that guys do. My guess is that it will involve weapons, horrible smells, and lots of dirt. Vital for the growing of healthy boys.

See? I will survive this summer break. But to tell you the truth, I’ll miss them terribly every day they are away… It won’t stop me from taking this opportunity to recharge though!

Cheers!
+ann

P.S. The brilliant and patient teachers my monkeys had the privilege of knowing this year will be getting some choice end-o-the-year gifts. How they survived the year juggling 20 little carbon copies of my crazy kids in a windowless classroom without losing their minds, I’ll never know. Thank God for educators!

P.P.S. Oh, in case anyone reading this was wondering, I do spend lots of fun, quality time alone with my kids. Don’t worry, my “summer survival plan” was not devised to avoid my children. I made it to balance my family life with my business life, hopefully with some extra time for me thrown in. And it is always good to keep the kids' brains from rotting out of boredom. =^_^=